


happy fucking holidays

by thatasianpotato



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Christmas, Drinking, Holidays, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Mild Sexual Content, Post-Time Skip, Wrong timing, fate is a bitch to iwaoi, iwaoi is bad at talking, like super mild it's barely even there lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28339914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatasianpotato/pseuds/thatasianpotato
Summary: Iwaizumi wondered why he felt so cold despite the snow being outside, and him being inside his house in warm clothing. He wondered why the air felt so thin, starving his lungs and dizzying his head, despite him being in a normal altitude. He wondered if ice had somehow crept up on him, because now he felt frozen in his seat, unable to move and get away from this situation. He wondered, if his theory of the cold coming in was true, how long it would take for hypothermia to end his misery.- or -Iwaizumi and Oikawa see each other for the first time after moving abroad during the holidays.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	happy fucking holidays

**Author's Note:**

> merry christler !!
> 
> i intended to have this out earlier, but life happens :'>>
> 
> anyways i would just like to thank ms. taylor alison swift for creating tis the damn season and inspiring me to write this !! (maybe give it a listen too while reading to set the mood !)
> 
> i know angst is a weird mood for the holidays, but i felt really inspired to write this, so here it is !
> 
> ♥ beeee / thatasianpotato

If you had asked Iwaizumi Hajime his freshman year of high school what his constants were, what he could always depend upon no matter what, he would have listed down three things: Miyagi. Volleyball. Oikawa Tooru. If you asked him now, he probably would not have been able to give you an answer. Because now, in the present he found himself in, he realized that all of those constants, all the elements that had always given him comfort, familiarity,  _ home  _ were gone.   
  
He was in his house, with his family, with  _ him,  _ but everything was muted, gray, off. He had chalked it up to jet lag, when he first wheeled his suitcase into the doorway of his home, yawning despite it only being late afternoon. But it’s been almost a week since then and everything still had that weird tinge of unfamiliar familiarity. Everything looked the same on the surface, the same holiday celebration he had every other year. But he was different, this place was different, the boy sitting across from him on the table was different.   
  
He had avoided staring at Oikawa for the longest time. When his family came over to the Iwaizumi household for their Christmas tradition of eating together, he had merely given a brief grunt and nod in his direction before busying himself in the kitchen, the decorations, the trash, anything that would keep him away. But Iwaizumi knew he was only delaying the inevitable, there was no fighting Oikawa’s magnetic pull for long. He had stayed by the boy’s side for years, and no matter how long he was in his presence, it never lessened the effect of it. And now his eyes finally let themselves be pulled to Oikawa, and the second they did, they searched every inch, every mole and mark, and eyelash, gluttonously drinking in every detail. His skin glowed golden and tanned. His build seemed bigger, stronger, sturdier. And his eyes, his rich brown soil eyes, constantly growing and adapting and glowing with the bright shine of ambition-- 

  
_ Fuck. His eyes.  _ The very eyes that Iwaizumi was getting lost in had found his. There was a question in them, one that Iwaizumi wasn’t ready to answer. He quickly averted his gaze, bending his head down and stuffing his mouth with rice.   
  


**\----**   
  
  


_ On their last day together, Iwaizumi had let himself forget that it was their last. After all, it had started and gone the way most of their days did. He woke up two minutes before his alarm clock, fixed his bed, brushed his teeth, and got ready for the day. Then he jogged up to Oikawa’s house and was met with his yawning best friend, still halfway stuck in sleep to fully realize what today meant. He had simply moved away and let Iwaizumi lounge on his bed while he got ready. _

_ The two boys found their way to the park, where Oikawa challenged Iwaizumi to a race. They collected stares aplenty from the many unsuspecting bystanders, but all Iwaizumi let himself focus on was the burn in his legs, the quickness of his breath, and the teasing symphony of Oikawa’s jabs and laughter whenever he thought Iwaizumi was starting to slow down.  _

_ Afterward, the two had gotten ice cream to cool off, Iwaizumi getting chocolate, and Oikawa getting an atrocious mess of flavors and sprinkles. Iwaizumi made sure to let his disdain be known when Oikawa offered him a lick of it.  _

_ Then they found themselves walking along the forest they used to play in every day, licking up ice cream and uncovering forgotten memories. This whole area was like a museum display dedicated to them. Every tree and pebble and bush and pond was evidence and testimony to their early friendship. When Iwaizumi had stared at Oikawa then, he could almost see the small boy that he had found one fateful day all those years ago. It was peculiar how much had changed and how much it was still the same. It was amazing that Iwaizumi was around to witness Oikawa flourish into who he is now, and how he had helped build up and foster that bloom. When he saw Oikawa smile, his heart felt the sharp ache of want that quickly spread all over him, fiery and furious.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “What are you looking at?” Oikawa had said when he noticed him staring. _ _   
_ _ “Oh, just remembering that one time we were playing tag and you somehow ended up barreling towards the pond.” _ _   
_ _ “Huh? Why?!” _ _   
_ _ “It was funny.” _ _   
_ _ “No, it was not! I could’ve drowned, Iwa-chan!” _ _   
_ _ “Please, the water went up to your knees. And I got you out anyways even though you were flailing so much.” _ _   
_ _ “Hmph!” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Then the two found themselves in the middle of Oikawa’s living room, huddled together as they watched some movies: one about aliens, and the other a Godzilla movie. Time ran and ran until Iwaizumi blinked and it was almost the end of the day. Today had been perfect, because it was supposed to be, because they planned it to be. Because it was their last day together before Oikawa left for Argentina and Iwaizumi left for California a few days later. This was the last day that they would ever experience anything like this. And though the two had run from this sense of dread by distracting themselves the whole day, it was almost impossible to ignore it now, it would be  _ idiotic _ to ignore it now and go home and act as if everything was and will be the same as it’s always been. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Iwaizumi sighed as the heavy weight of the situation started crashing down on him.  _ _   
_ _ “Hey--” _ _   
_ _ “Iwa-chan, let’s go outside!” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Iwaizumi’s eyes widened at this, but nevertheless, he followed him outside and sat soundlessly next to him in front of their house. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I just really wanted to see the sunset today. It’s pretty.” Oikawa murmured out as an explanation. _ _   
_ _ And so Iwaizumi sat next to him and looked at the reds and oranges and golds that all melted together as the sun went down. But though the two boys were quiet, Iwaizumi’s thoughts were anything but.  _

_ His head was a swirl of everything he needed to say, everything he was going to miss. There would be no more lunch breaks together, or sleepy bus rides to tournaments, they would no longer argue over homework answers or scream encouragement at each other during after school practice. He would no longer see Oikawa’s smile or hear his laugh without the interference of a screen. Everyday occurrences, taken for granted, were all a thing of the past that they could never go back to again. It all ached. Not just his head, but his heart. His pounding heart, beating painful and insistent against his ribcage. Then the ache spread to his lungs, and he couldn’t breathe. Then the ache reached his eyes, and there fell warm teardrops.  _

_ Finally, Iwaizumi whipped his head towards his best friend, to see him, to look for clarity, to see if he was in the middle of coming undone just as he was, but all he saw was beauty. And for a moment, everything did still. Because now all that mattered was he was here, seated next to the most amazing person he had ever known and he had the honor of being his best friend and being able to stare at his beautiful face illuminated by the last strands of sun. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Iwaizumi had opened his mouth to say something. An “I’ll miss you.” or “Don’t do anything stupid abroad.” Or he thought about sharing a memory, hugging him close, breathing him in. He thought about asking him if he also felt like he was breaking apart. How he thought so many pieces of him were pieces of Oikawa, and he didn’t know what would be left of him if he wasn’t by his side anymore. How he thought maybe there wouldn’t be any pieces left at all. But what he let out instead was not quite what he had planned. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I like you.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ The silence between them in those few moments was an eternity, a heart-stopping one. It was held in breath, the calm before the storm, a suffocating purgatory.  _

_ And Iwaizumi was ready to let his breath go, let the storm sweep him away, let his soul be ripped apart piece by piece. Because he had just quite possibly not just destroyed their perfect last day, but years and years of solidly built friendship. He opened his mouth to speak again, though he wasn’t sure what he could possibly say to have even a piece of salvation from the bomb he just dropped. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “I like you too.” _

**\----** **  
** **  
  
**

Iwaizumi wondered why he felt so cold despite the snow being outside, and him being inside his house in warm clothing. He wondered why the air felt so thin, starving his lungs and dizzying his head, despite him being in a normal altitude. He wondered if ice had somehow crept up on him, because now he felt frozen in his seat, unable to move and get away from this situation. He wondered, if his theory of the cold coming in was true, how long it would take for hypothermia to end his misery.   
  
He wondered and wondered and wondered some more, because wondering was better than dealing with the silent house, and the chasm between him and Oikawa, only slightly bridged by a coffee table with a few bottles of beer. He knew what he was supposed to do, or what their families  _ wanted  _ them to do. They had quietly slipped away after lunch, managing to leave Iwaizumi and Oikawa alone together sitting on the floor. He knew their intentions were well enough, but he couldn’t help the bit of anger and annoyance bubbling inside him, to push him to do this when they both clearly were not ready.   
  
“Well, we shouldn’t let free booze go to waste, right?”    
  
Iwaizumi looked up Oikawa. This was the first time he had spoken to him directly, and it was the first time Iwaizumi had looked at him since he had accidentally been caught staring at him at lunch.   
  
Oikawa reached for a bottle, and he did so as well, making sure to get the bottle farthest from the one Oikawa was reaching for so he didn’t have to deal with any accidental hand brushing. Doing this was already hard enough.    
  
Oikawa brought the bottle to his lips and took a sip. “So...how’s California been?”   
  
Iwaizumi took a long swig from his bottle before answering. “Um, nice. I’m learning stuff.”   
  
Oikawa let out a chuckle. “Well, I’d hope so. Or else being halfway across the world from home would have all been for naught.”   
  
Iwaizumi smiled a little at that.  _ So far so good.  _ Maybe things didn’t have to be as hard as he thought. “Yeah, yeah. And, uh, how are you in Argentina?”    
  
At that, Oikawa’s eyes started to sparkle, and Iwaizumi felt a little flutter in his chest at the fact that he was able to prompt that out of him. “Oh, it’s so cool, Iwa-ch-- um Iwa! The culture there is just wow and my teammates are pretty cool and, oh, they’re helping me with my Spanish! My vocabulary is still half curse words thanks to them, but it’s a work in progress.”

  
A warm rush of happiness came over Iwaizumi, along with a sharp pinprick of sadness that was disappointed that he wasn’t able to be part of that chapter of Oikawa’s life. But that was just how life was sometimes.   
  
“Hmm, so you really like it there, huh?” He emptied out the last drops of his current bottle and reached for another one. He hoped that the warm sting of alcohol could distract him from that pinprick of sadness.   
  
“Yeah, actually. A lot. I, uh, haven’t told anyone about this yet, but I might...I’m thinking of becoming an Argentinian citizen.”   
  
Iwaizumi nearly choked on his drink. “What?! You--I mean, good? Yeah, uh, good for you, Oikawa.”   
  
“It--There’s nothing final yet. It’s all very up in the air.” Oikawa muttered.   
  
Then there was silence. They were back to that damn silence he was trying to fill, back to the damn cold he was trying to thaw, and that damn divide he might have been trying to cross.    
  
Maybe it was unfair for him to think, but he felt like he was losing Oikawa all over again, even though he hadn’t really  _ had  _ him in a long, long time. And Oikawa owed him nothing, not in this case, but Iwaizumi was feeling cheated, betrayed. Oikawa might not have meant to, but he had just kicked and shot a very wounded and barely recovering Iwaizumi to the ground, leaving him crawling and clawing desperately at the dirt beneath Oikawa’s feet.   
  
The only thing between them now was the thunk of bottles against wood and the gulp of drinks being poured down their aching hearts. Iwaizumi could barely even get the drinks down anymore because of the lump that was forming in his throat.  _ Say something, say something, say something, idiot. _ _   
_ _   
_ Then he looked up again as he heard a sigh. And then his heart quickened its pace because now Oikawa was standing and Iwaizumi knew he didn’t have it in him to fight him if he decided to leave. He didn’t have the  _ right _ to fight him on this. If he left, Iwaizumi would break apart all over again. He would be able to do nothing as the person he tried to build up after the storm would quickly collapse, realizing that no amount of plaster could cover up all the missing pieces that had always belonged to Oikawa. But then Oikawa didn’t walk towards the door, he was walking towards  _ him.  _ And now a different kind of nervousness was pounding jittery and painful in his heart.    
  
Oikawa sat next to him, with still quite a bit of distance. But it was still nearer than they have ever been for so long. But still, this distance was easier to reach a hand across if he was brave enough.   
  
“I’m sorry for springing that up suddenly,” Oikawa muttered softly, eyes downcast. “With everything that went on...I should’ve kept things easy and light and not...that. But it was the first time I saw you again and my brain was just--I guess it got lost into how it used to be.”   
  
“No, no, Oikawa, I shouldn’t have reacted like that.” He reached over, then stopped. He had been planning to rest a hand on his shoulder, but they were literally just talking about keeping things easy and light. He sighed and then settled on a halfway point; he lowered his hand a little bit next to Oikawa’s. They were far enough to not actually touch unless both of them suddenly decided to really stretch out their pinkies. Iwaizumi could feel Oikawa’s gaze on him, but he didn’t pull away or inch closer or say anything.

  
“I’m sorry, I just got caught off guard. We haven’t talked in so long and one of the first things you drop on me is  _ that. _ ”   
  
“Ahaha, yeah. Sorry again. I guess a part of me just really wanted to force things back to before and…” Oikawa trailed off.   
  
_ Fuck. He’s caught on.  _ Despite the divide and distance, Oikawa was still his longest and dearest friend, he probably could still sense the hurt and betrayal and, and the  _ other feelings.  _ Iwaizumi was wracking his brain for something to say, anything that could wipe the slate clean again or at the very least convince Oikawa that everything was fine, but then suddenly Oikawa’s face was getting nearer to his or he was leaning towards Oikawa’s face and their lips were on each other’s.   
  
It was clumsy, tentative, and terrified, but dear god, was it not the best thing Iwaizumi had felt in months. They pulled away breathy and wide-eyed, but still close enough to feel each other’s breath and touch each other’s noses.   
  
“Oikawa! Are you-- Are we? What--”   
  
Oikawa cupped Iwaizumi’s cheek, rubbing soft circles. “Well, if it’s okay with you, it’s okay with me.” He had a small smile and was slightly flushed, and held the softest smile and eyes.   
  
And now their lips met each other again, now with more fervor and hunger than before. Their hands roamed each other, trying to rediscover what they had left behind and find the things that had changed. The need to feel every curl and strand, to feel the way their hands fit in the other’s neck, the want to taste skin overcame them.    
  
They pressed deeper and deeper, trying to fill in all the spaces that had remained untouched and forgotten for so long until Oikawa’s back was pressed against the floor and Iwaizumi’s legs were tangled up in his.   
  
The next part of the night was a blur for Iwaizumi, he could remember flashes of hurried footsteps and laughter, the thunk of bodies landing on a bed, the feeling of skin upon skin, the symphony of “Toorus”, and “Hajimes”, and “Love yous”, the feeling of fire-filled veins, hitched breath and sweat and scattered kisses on noses and cheeks and necks.    
  


  
The next thing Iwaizumi’s eyes found was Oikawa’s sleeping face, serene and angelic in the streaming sunlight. Iwaizumi felt the urge to tuck the stray strands, but something forced him to stop and take back his hand.   
  
A cold feeling of dread washed over him, heart beating fast yet heavy feeling all at once. So Iwaizumi did what he knew best, he retreated. He turned his back, meeting the angry glare of the rising sun. And despite it all, despite a big part of him aching to turn back, reach out, feel the softness of caramel hair, tangle his legs into his, whisper a “Good morning”, yearn for the moment Tor--Oikawa would open his eyes and stare back at him, long for the way his voice would sound first thing in the morning, he stayed put and closed his eyes, and pretended that the person next to him was not Oikawa Tooru, man of his dreams, he pretended that no one else was there at all, he did not need to turn around because there would be nothing there for him.

**\----**

_ “I like you too.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Iwaizumi was sure that he had fallen asleep during their movie marathon and was now being faced with a dream. So he stared and gaped and waited. He waited for the illusion to shatter, for Oikawa and his soft eyes to disappear, he waited for the moment he would snap awake back in Oikawa’s living room not having said anything at all. But the image held, Oikawa’s face remained. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “...Really?”  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Oikawa let out a laugh. It was as it always was, music to Iwaizumi’s ears, but this time another layer of beauty and magic was added to it, it hit him stronger than ever before. “Yes, really.”  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Like, not in a friend way, okay?” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Iwaizumi Hajime, I understand that you like me in a non-dudebro fashion and I am here to tell you that I like you in the same way.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Well, why did you never say anything?!” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Why didn’t you?” Oikawa countered. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ At that, Iwaizumi let out a sigh. “Wow, we really had to wait until the very end to let this out, huh? God, we’re both idiots.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ He let his eyes wander back to Oikawa’s and he startled. Because now they were dark and set and determined; he had seen those eyes many times before. He saw them in the seconds leading up to Oikawa’s serves, and in the gym where he pushed himself to his limits and beyond. These eyes were filled with flame and the knowledge that power and possibility were within reach, if one ran fast enough. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Well, we still have a few hours. Let’s make the most of it.” And with that, Oikawa leaned in. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Their first kiss was awkward. There was the shifting of faces, to figure out how they best fit together. There was the jittery breath and the uncertainty of where to place hands. There was the slight clash of teeth. They did not have the picture-perfect first kiss at the end of romance movies. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “You know, being someone who’s had to watch you make out with a bazillion girls in our school, I thought you’d be better than this, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi let out with a laugh, hoping to cut the tension before it grew too thick. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Hey! How are you sure it’s not your fault?!” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ But they tried again, and again, and again. And maybe it still wasn’t quite perfect, but it was  _ them.  _ Things were never perfect for them at the very beginning. They had to keep working at their friendship even when they disagreed over the existence of aliens, they had to decide to go to afterschool practice every day to hone their skills. They were built, brick by brick, step by step, dutifully until they had a strong foundation to lift them up. They carved and they toiled until they could do everything they needed with ease until they were the closest to perfection.  _

_ So perhaps their kisses were not flawless, but they held onto the hope that one day, they would be. _ _   
_ _   
  
_

_ So when Iwaizumi had woken up to an empty bed the next day, he didn’t let the dread he had feared for so long consume him. Instead, he let warmth fill him up as he saw the note that Oikawa had scribbled down before he disentangled himself from Iwaizumi’s arms and left for Argentina. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Their love was strong, they had thought. They would be okay. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ But they weren’t exactly right.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Their  _ platonic  _ love was strong. It had a solid foundation, bricks carefully picked up and brought together through the years. Maybe it was foolish of them to think romantic love would be the same, that it would not be fragile and delicate, that the transition would be quick and painless. But they were two young boys standing on the precipice of greatness, drunk with the power of winning the stars and knowing they could shoot for the moon as well. Truly, how were they supposed to know? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ So they took their love and tried to coax it to bloom with everyday calls, time zones and conflicting schedules be damned. And when their separate lives started piling up with more work, they were able to work out weekly dinners and video calls instead. And when life grew more hectic, when different experiences started making them into different people, they shrugged it off and settled with monthly care packages full of local goodies and quickly scrawled notes, because they were them and they were always there no matter what. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ It was only when they had shifted to odd and uneven text messages that they realized love needed more than they could give at the moment. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ So when they had finally managed to snag a video call away from their rigid and unwilling schedules, when they exchanged knowing smiles and heavy eyes, they knew it was over. Maybe one day, when their lives could complement each other once again when they could go back to lifting each other up.  _

_ They were two young boys standing on the precipice of greatness, drunk with the power of winning the stars and knowing they could shoot for the moon as well. They were not known to let fate wrangle their wins from their hungry hands. It was not yet their time. _ _   
  
_

_   
_ **\----** **  
** **  
  
**

Oikawa remembered that conversation well, the tears that had spilled, the hurt that had followed him for weeks, the regret that had almost caused him to buckle, almost. He remembered them now as he opened his eyes to stare at Iwaizumi’s bare back. Strong and steady, almost as if it were reminding Oikawa of the resolve he must keep.   
  
He yearned desperately to touch him then, whisper softly into his ear, convince him to let him stay, but Oikawa could only let a sad smile slip.   
  
His heart was heavy, and it seemed to affect him as he moved sluggishly from the bed in search of his clothes.    
  
He let his resolve crumble only once before leaving, he turned to drink his fill of the sight of Iwaizumi Hajime one last time. He took in a sharp breath as he saw the boy’s sharp edges softened by early morning light, how his midnight black hair glistened, how he shifted slowly in his bed.   
  
Every part of him ached as said “Happy holidays, Hajime.” and left the room soundlessly.

  
  
  


Iwaizumi should have turned back quicker. He should have called out his name. He should have reached out his hand.   
  
But now all Iwaizumi could do was let tears slip from his eyes, bury himself in his covers, and busy himself with staring at his window, no longer sun-soaked, all warmth blocked out by an icy wall.   
  
He stared at the frost forming on the glass forming sharp, intricate patterns. He let out a humorless, bitter laugh at the realization of something.   
  
He and Oikawa seemed to be stuck in a most complicated pattern as well, one that brought them to each other’s arms and pulled them apart mercilessly. The holidays served as yet another painful reminder that no matter how much they ached for one another, it was not their time, the pattern must drop down into its old habit.   
  
He let out a heavy sigh.   
  
Happy fucking holidays indeed.


End file.
